Free agents across Major League Baseball are clamoring for the opportunity to sign with Dear Leader Ruben Amaro Jr. and the Philadelphia Phillies this offseason. Players such as Jacoby Ellsbury, Shin-Soo Choo, Nelson Cruz, and many others are waiting with bated breath for the opportunity to join the Phillies regime. They can only hope to be honored by Dear Leader Amaro with a contract opportunity.
Some players are even leaving their home country just for the opportunity to play for Grand Master Amaro. Masahiro Tanaka, a pitcher from Japan, has announced his intentions to seek a roster spot in MLB. Tanaka has waited years for the opportunity to play for Amaro, should Amaro bless him with the honor.
Imperialist teams across Major League Baseball are trembling at the thoughts of Dear Master Amaro controlling free agency. When this offseason ends, the puppet front offices in other cities will be left with nothing, as all players will have joined the Phillies to play under the graces of Master of the Sun Amaro. Other teams will wait in fear, as free agency will only result in the Phillies reigning supreme in Major League Baseball once again.
Supreme Dear Leader Ruben Amaro Jr, announced his intentions to promote a new Commander of Sabermetrics into the top ranks of the organization. Dear Leader Amaro has been working with the top forces across Major League Baseball in order to acquire the best man for the job.
Grand Poobah Amaro, a forward thinking leader, has always had his eyes on the greatest statistics in order to assemble the best team possible. During the incredible 2013 season, Dear Leader used statistics like xGRIT, wRBI, and oBB to assemble a team so good that it chose to lose games to prevent the season from being too unfair.
Teams will continue to tremble in the presence of Magnificent Leader of the Suns Amaro and his continued use of sabermetrics. The puppet front offices in St. Louis, Tampa Bay, and Oakland will find themselves so outdate that they will only try to attempt to assemble an analytics department as good as the Phillies. The Phillies will continue their 120 year reign on Major League Baseball.
The Phillies sent out a stern warning to the rest of Major League Baseball after their stunning victory against the Arizona Diamondbacks. Eternal Leader of Amazing Wonderment Ruben Amaro Jr.’s key acquisitions, Delmon Young and Michael Young, led the charge in defeating the puppet franchise in Arizona. The Phillies rested on their key value of production and blasted the competition with the strongest retaliation after Friday’s preemptive strike.
The rest of the National League has no choice but to keep an eye behind them as the Phillies are as strong as ever and ready to strike. Just a mere five games behind the imperialist Atlanta Braves, the Phillies will certainly crush them with the utmost force comparable to the strength of one thousand suns.
Dear Leader Amaro has assembled the strongest team possible, and with Delmon Young in the fray, the team is ready to meet their greatest potential. The ultimate battle will continue tomorrow when the Phillies crush the Diamondbacks like an ant under the strongest boot. The opponent will tremble in fear as the fist of the Phillies destroys and demoralizes them.
Just months after being sent by the Phillies to spread their message across Major League Baseball, star infielder, comrade Yuniesky Betancourt, is doing just that. After Tuesday’s games, Comrade Betancourt leads the Milwaukee Brewers in the only important offensive categories with 8 HRs and 24 RBIs.
The decision to send Comrade Betancourt out as an inter-organizational ambassador was a tough decision for His Dear Grand Excellency Ruben Amaro Jr., but it has, as expected, proven to be the correct decision. Commander Amaro praised Betancourt at the time of this relocation, citing his excellent Spring Training play, but he felt that his experience was better suited for relations outside the organization.
Over the season, Commander Amaro expects Betancourt to continue producing, spreading his theories of production. Comrade Betancourt’s influence should mark the beginning of the grand MLB revolution.
In a series of tweets on Monday night, former, disgraced, Phillie Roy Oswalt begged for forgiveness from the organization and voiced his desires to return to Philadelphia. Oswalt, a traitor who fleed to Texas during the 2012 season, discussed his love of the city and the majestic fan base.
Eternal General Manager of the Organization, Ruben Amaro Jr., brilliantly acquired Oswalt during the 2010 season, ransacking the Astros for only a few inconsequential prospects. Oswalt, inspired and emboldened by his move to Philadelphia, proceeded to pitching wonderfully for the Phillies. In 2011, though, Oswalt became inconsiderate of Commander Amaro’s generosity, and attempted to flee to Mississippi during the season. After the season, Oswalt turned his back on the benevolent Phillies organization, eventually fleeing to Texas.
It is unknown whether Great Leader Amaro will pardon Oswalt and grant him re-entry to the organization. One thing is for certain, though, the Phillies are a transcendent force that appeal to all, traitor or loyalist.
The Phillies star relief pitcher, Chad Durbin, pitched flawlessly in an appearance against the New York Mets on Monday evening. In his strong one inning performance, Durbin didn’t allow a run and struck out one batter.
Chad Durbin is improving immensely after struggling initially in his first few appearances with the Phillies. This recent success has been attributed to the teachings of wise Sergeant Rich Dubee, who has worked to rid the improper pitching techniques taught to Durbin by the imperialist Braves.
Durbin’s potential has been clearly recognized by wise Manager Charlie Manuel, who has relied on his talented reliever in a number of tough situation. Most credit, though, must go towards Dear Father Ruben Amaro Jr., who made the wise decision this offseason to free Durbin from the Braves’ grasp for a very reasonable price. The rivals of the Phillies will quiver with fear at the announcement of Durbin as Phillies reliever!
On April 3rd, Philadelphia Phillies coaches received word from Marshal Ruben Amaro Jr. that they were free to strike the enemies in Atlanta and Washington at a moment’s notice. After weeks of threats and provocations by the imperialists in the NL East, the Phillies are prepared to reclaim the division as their own.
The moment of fire is rapidly approaching. The Phillies no longer tolerate the warmongering that surrounds them. It is uncertain when the Phillies will strike, but it could be in the next hour or the next month.
The responsibility for this war lies in the hands of the management of Washington and Atlanta. With their warmongering imperialism this offseason, they disrupted the peace and threatened the sanctity of the Phillies, leaving no alternative but a Phillies strike in the upcoming weeks.
The Phillies are prepared to unleash a lighter and stronger Delmon Young on the division at any point. The puppet front offices of Washington and Atlanta will quickly regret their foolish actions as they are engulfed in the flames of the Phillies liberty.
The Phillies have no alternatives. As an organization longing for peace, they vow to destroy irresponsible competition that exists outside Philadelphia. The Braves and Nationals will rue the day they threaten the might of the Phillies.